Written by Nidhi Pitkar (PSYCHOLOGIST, THERAPIST) | April, 2025

Ask any parent about their hopes for their children and they’ll tell you that they just want them to be happy. Happiness is a subjective feeling of well-being and therefore different for each person. Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology, identifies five elements of happiness using the acronym “PERMA”. “Positive emotions” include having a sense of optimism about oneself and life. “Engagement” is finding things you enjoy doing or experiencing. “Relationships” is having social connections that promote trust, support and genuineness. “Meaning” is having a sense of ‘purposeful existence’ while “Achievement” includes having a sense of accomplishment that encompasses both the effort of trying something and being able to enjoy it.

To achieve any of these elements, it is important to understand self. Understanding oneself means having insight into one’s own conduct patterns, attitudes, strengths, and weaknesses. It refers to an individual’s capacity to understand what he or she excels in and where they need to grow. While this is achievable if self-respect and having realistic self-expectations is present, our conduct patterns and attitudes have very much to do with how we interact with the world around us which naturally brings us to understanding boundaries (our own and of others).

Self-awareness is one of the highest aims in psychotherapeutic work and a goal that psychotherapists like me strive to achieve with our clients regularly. To achieve self-understanding, one must first have a sense of Autonomy. According to Ryan & Deci (2010) “people who feel more autonomous make better decisions.” Apart from providing structure in parenting, supporting children’s autonomy by understanding their perspective, appreciating and respecting them is also important.

Therefore, an inherent pre-condition to happiness is having a sense of autonomy/freewill. Freewill is a construct that can be taught and reinforced with our children & adolescents through the active practice of negotiation. Negotiation is the process of reaching an agreement through discussion. It is undertaken with people who have agency and whose consent we seek to gain. Consent is a voluntary agreement. Although seemingly disconnected, both concepts are intricately connected to teaching children & adolescents about boundaries and self-respect. It teaches them that not only is their freewill important and worthy of respect but also others’.

(Mother snatching from her child angrily)

For example, as a parent, if I snatch things away from my child when I find her playing with something she is not supposed to or with my adolescent, if I use a threat/threatening voice to register my displeasure, I am making it known to her that I hold the power and that her autonomy is unimportant. The young may not understand the construct of consent but definitely understand freewill. Humans have an inbuilt mechanism of practicing independence in their earliest behaviors. By displaying aggression without warning, we communicate to them three things: One – that powerful people get what they want by taking it away from the lesser powerful; Two, that they need to grab/hold on tighter to what they want; and three, that they need to learn manipulative ways to get what they want from the world and people around them. While these are immediate consequences, long term consequences can range from becoming constantly insecure to being deeply invested in performing actions that are singularly geared towards achieving what they want by any means available.

(Father screaming at adolescent)

Taking away Choice makes children & adolescents feel helpless and without agency. Spending an extra moment negotiating with them will teach them to actively practice the skill of reaching collective agreements instead of passive aggressive behaviours. To treat Consent as a living entity in our lives and practicing it proactively with our children not only gives them the power of Choice but also, an acceptance that with this power comes responsibility, accountability and consequence. It encourages them to think critically for themselves, make decisions and understand that they have the authority to change their consequences by prioritizing their own needs, wants and desires more rationally and less impulsively.

As parents our job is not only to raise happy children but also future productive and contributing adults of human society. Therefore, I believe one very important aspect to happiness remains within the realm and power of Choice. By deliberately using these seemingly unimportant situations that they experience in their young, everyday lives provides us with an opportunity as parents and caregivers to help them simulate real-life situations that they can regularly practice, whilst being in a safe and secure environment.

References

[1] Ayoub, S., Finkelman, M. D., Swee, G. J., Hassan, M., & Loo, C. Y. (2024). An investigation of the association between parenting style and child’s dental caries: a cross-sectional study. Scientific reports, 14(1), 18134. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-69154-4

[2] Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2012). Self-determination theory. Handbook of theories of social psychology, 1(20), 416-436.

[3] Eurich, T. (2018). What self-awareness really is (and how to cultivate it). Harvard Business Review, 4(4), 1-9.

[4] Goodman, F. R., Disabato, D. J., Kashdan, T. B., & Kauffman, S. B. (2018). Measuring well-being: A comparison of subjective well-being and PERMA. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 13(4), 321-332.

[5] Niemiec, C. P., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2010). Self‐determination theory and the relation of autonomy to self‐regulatory processes and personality development. Handbook of personality and self‐regulation, 169-191.

[6] Robinson, C. C., Mandleco, B., Olsen, S. F., & Hart, C. H. (1995). Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Permissive Parenting Practices: Development of a New Measure. Psychological Reports, 77(3), 819-830. https://doi.org/10.2466/pr0.1995.77.3.819